OVERTURE
Chorus:
All of us are like the starving artist
All of us are like the chimpanzee
Both of them are slaves to humanity
All of us are slaves to humanity
ACT I
Talker, IAA, Ghost, Sheisty, Tapas, Francais are on stage. Each singer is at a desk, or in a cubicle, or at a table. Each singer is typing on a computer or a laptop before singing. The spotlight isolates each one as he or she is singing; the others are in darkness.
Talker:
I’ve started to write a story about
A starving artist and a chimpanzee
The artist has the idea that a chimp
Can help him escape from his poverty
How would my artist get the chimp?
Does he apply for a job at a zoo?
I’ve come to the Craigslist writing forum
For some suggestions on what I could do
IAA:
But what will happen when he gets the chimp?
I suggest they starve to death together
The chimp is a slave to humanity
And so is the artist – keep it short, though
Talker:
The chimp will make him rich but not for long
At the end there will be a disaster
IAA:
I think my version is better than yours
If you don’t write it then maybe I will
After all, there’s been more than one story
Written about a lady and her dog
Talker:
Please don’t think I don’t like your suggestion
I’m asking how the artist gets the chimp
I already have my story’s ending
I need some literary Tabasco
IAA:
The reader wants the chimp to go apeshit
Narrative tension requires tragedy
I did not mean to sound so defensive
VainlyJane:
Apeshit! Funny stuff! LMFAO!
Talker:
You’re right about adding the tragedy
A car hits the chimp, a cop could shoot him
We think that the chimp has met his demise
Then the audience gets a big surprise!
Sheisty:
I like IAA’s suggestions a lot
It would be ‘La Boheme’ meets Marx Brothers
Talker:
Comedy all the way, with feelings too
The chimp, a slave to humanity, yes
But this chimp is a slave up to a point
I can’t wait for the chimp revolution!
Tapas:
When I was a girl a chimp bit my friend
When she stuck her finger in Bobo’s cage
The authorities then took him away
Could your artist get his chimp in that way?
Talker:
What would you think of my starving artist
Kidnapping the chimp from a movie set
Where he just got a job as a painter?
Tapas:
I thought my friend was a complete moron.
Ghost:
The artist could be for animal rights
And break into a lab to free the chimps
Talker:
Yes! That is the answer to my question
That is how my artist will get the chimp!
Ghost:
I once had a chimp I taught to throw darts
I pasted the stock pages on a wall
Then bought shares in the companies she hit
And that is how I made my first million
VainlyJane:
Could the starving artist have a dead squirrel
And believe it is a live chimpanzee?
They could perform together for spare change
On a street corner … that would rock so hard!
Talker:
I’m not understanding how a dead squirrel
Could be passed off as a live chimpanzee
Ghost:
It has become cliché to use dead squirrels
To serve any literary purpose
VainlyJane:
Sorry, sorry, what a stupid mistake
I am an idiot! Sorry, sorry!
Ghost:
There is no need for self-flagellation
Just pick yourself up and write something new
MumbleMumble:
Dead squirrel as live chimp, I love the idea
Dead squirrel as live chimp, what a great idea
Sheisty
(Aria)
There was an old man, alone and so sad
In the apartment next door to my dad
When he was still in Pentagon City
The old man died and it wasn’t pretty
He had no family and he had no friends
No one knew that he had come to his end
His body was in a state of decay
The smell was the thing that gave it away
And his cockatoo, emitting loud shrieks
Trying to waken the man from his sleep
So building management opened the door
And found that the man was living no more
Your artist’s neighbor could be found deceased
And his chimp would scream, and his chimp would wail
The starving artist could befriend the beast
And that would be the first part of your tale
He had no family and he had no friends
No one knew that he had come to his end
His body was in a state of decay
The smell was the thing that gave it away
And his chimpanzee, emitting loud shrieks
Trying to waken the man from his sleep
So building management opened the door
And found that the man was living no more
That is how you can begin your story
The starving artist and the chimpanzee
Both of them are slaves to humanity
All of us are slaves to humanity
Both of them are slaves to humanity
All of us are slaves to humanity
In the beginning the starving artist
Is having some trouble paying his rent
He has an argument with his landlord
On other things his money has been spent
The next day the landlord comes to his end
Then the artist adopts the landlord’s chimp
The two of them struggle to survive
The chimp learns to paint to keep them alive
They become two successful performers
First, on street corners, soon they are famous
The chimp then begins to feel he’s been used
He rebels, he won’t paint, it’s outrageous
The chimp will rise up against the artist
There will be chaos, there will be chaos
Both of them are slaves to humanity
All of us are slaves to humanity
MumbleMumble:
I want to argue in favor of Jane
I do not think what she said was insane …
Let us suppose it’s not a dead squirrel
Let’s give the concept another whirl
It’s just a stuffed chimp, the chimp’s just a toy
He believes it’s alive, wait that’s not it:
He makes other people think it’s alive
And he paints with it – A toy chimp “puppet”
So have your artist get his chimp
By stealing it from Toys R Us.
Talker:
But the story is about a chimp who can paint
I don’t want to say your idea is not good
Is there a way a stuffed toy can paint?
If you can tell me how that would work …
MumbleMumble:
It’s just that now I’ve hit upon something
A story about a stuffed chimpanzee
And the artist, who begins to pretend
The mechanized toy chimp can write, you see
The chimp creates “automatic” texts,
Like Yeats and his wife with their Ouija board
The chimp makes a name as a prophet
The artist opens a psychic hotline
Then a cult forms to preach the chimp’s teachings
The artist starts making some real cash … for a while
Talker:
Everyone has been so helpful
I like all these ideas so much
I wish we could get together
We’d skip out on work for one day,
And have a big party instead
I’ve had such a great time with you all
Ah, but I fantasize …
I will let you all know when I’m finished
My book is based upon a true story
Of an artist I saw once, on a street corner
Holding the paintbrush was his chimpanzee
I thought of those paintings by elephants
And how people buy them for thousands of dollars
Will this chimp be famous? I said to myself
But the chimp did not look happy at all
He was slapping the brush against the easel so hard
I thought the painting was going to fall
Also the chimp had an ‘I’m-going-mad’-look
And a really cold stare coming out of his eyes
This was a chimp who needs some time off
This is one angry chimp, I said to myself
And one day he’ll say: enough is enough
There will be chaos, there will be chaos
Paste:
And now I have a news flash: “This Just In:”
A homeless man was helping Mayor Dodson
With baby-sitting for his chimpanzee
And the mayor’s housekeeper was not happy
“A good-for-nothing bum, if you ask me”
Mrs. Stape declared in a smug-toned voice
Mr. Pimpletone had the same view point
“We don’t want him here, if we have a choice”
But Tina TwoBottom was interested
She’s the one starring in “Back That Thing Up”
“Homeless guys are hot, this one I would date
If he’d take a bath, he’d drink from my cup”
The mayor’s opposition went for his throat
They called it a ploy for sympathy votes
Because their man was leading in the polls
They said the artist was just playing a role
Talker:
I have read your news flash inspiration
Not what I’m looking for but thanks the same
TripleDash
The starving artist finds a job
As a caretaker for a chimp
Owned by a mega-rich rock star
The artist runs away with the chimp
With the rock star in hot pursuit
Talker
I like that idea, that’s a great idea!
Chorus:
He likes that idea, that’s a great idea!
That’s a great idea, he likes that idea!
VainlyJane:
The chimp is in an apartment
The artist climbs the fire escape
They become friends through the window
He teaches the chimp to break free
Talker:
I do think that could work:
In a starved state of mind
The unshaven artist
Limps along a sidewalk
Then he smells sweet apples
Gazing upward he sees
An apple pie cooling
In a row-house window
“I think that pie’s for me!”
That’s what he tells himself
When he reaches for it
Whoa! A chimp grabs his wrist
“Woo-ha-ha-woo-ha-ha”
The chimp begins screaming
“Just let me go, I’ll go!
“Let go of me, you boob!”
He begs the chimpanzee
A woman’s voice replies:
Tapas:
“He’s not a boob, you know,
He’s my pet chimpanzee
And you, you’re just a thief
I will call the police!”
Talker:
He implores her not to
“Please don’t do that miss!
Please just let me explain!”
You can see where this goes
The artist gets his chimp
And he falls in love, too
IAA:
Let’s all write stories of artists and chimps
/IAA:
|
|Artists and chimps in all of our stories
|
|Francais:
\We’ll all write stories of artists and chimps
/IAA:
|
|Both of them are slaves to humanity
|
|Francais:
|
|Chimps and artists in all of our stories
|
|Tapas:
\Let’s all write stories of chimps and artists
/IAA:
|
|All of us are slaves to humanity
|
|Francais:
|
|Both of them are slaves to humanity
|
|Tapas:
|
|Artists and chimps in all of our stories
|
|Sheisty:
|
\Let’s all write stories of artists and chimps
/IAA:
|
|All of us are slaves to humanity
|
|All others:
|
\We’ll all write stories, we’ll all write stories
/Tapas:
|
|About the starving artist and the chimp
|
|All others:
|
\We’ll all write stories, we’ll all write stories
IAA:
I had tickets for Terry Gross last night
I couldn’t go so I gave them away
But I heard it was a pretty good show
Sheisty:
I think I’ll post my story on Monday
/IAA:
|
|All of us are slaves to humanity
|
|All others:
|
\We’ll all write stories, we’ll all write stories
