The Pet Wiener

I pulled the van to the curb by the schoolyard gate. Mike and Sean were waiting for me, like they did every day. I opened the sliding door on the passenger side.

“Hey bus driver!” Mike said as they climbed into the van. “The president came to our classroom today!”

“Yeah, I know. I saw it on TV.”

“Did you see me? Did you see me?” Sean demanded as I drove off.

“Did you hear me reading?” Mike wanted to know. “Could you hear what I said when we were reading ‘The Pet Goat’?”

They snickered and giggled.

“Sit down and put your seat belts on.”

“Mike was saying dirty words,” Sean said.

“What words did he say?”

“Whenever we were supposed to say ‘goat,’ I said ‘wiener’ instead!”

Mike and Sean cracked up.

“I said: ‘The wiener ate her dad’s newspaper!’ I think the president heard me.”

“No, he didn’t,” Sean said. “You woulda got in trouble.”

“Yeah! I was probably gonna get in trouble! Miss Williams was looking at me! But then I saw the president looking toward the back of the room, and I turned around and I saw that bald guy was holding up a piece of paper. It said ‘Don’t say anything.’ Then they took the president away.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That must’ve been when they told him about the planes that crashed into the towers.”

“They showed us that on TV later!” Sean said. “For a while. Then when you could see the people falling out of the building Miss Williams told us not to look.”

“Did you see what happened when the plane hit the building?” Mike asked me. “There was that big ol’ honkin’ ball of fire that came out the other side. That was crazy!”

“Sure was,” I said.

“Like THAT!” Mike held up one of his arms as if it were a skyscraper, then used his other hand to show an airplane crashing into it. He did the sound effects, too: “CRSSSSSHHHH!!!! Ka-BOOOOOM!!!!”

“Then when you could see the people falling Miss Williams turned off the TV,” Sean said. “Then she looked at us for a while.

She didn’t say anything. She was just looking at us. It was kinda weird.”

“She’s probably just worried about you guys.”

“The terrorists aren’t going to come here,” Mike said. “We don’t have those big buildings.”

“Well, she’s worried anyway.”

“Why’s she worried?” Sean asked me.

“Maybe she’s afraid the president will start a war that’ll last so long that you’ll have to go fight in one of those raghead countries when you’re eighteen.”

“Wars don’t go on that long,” Mike said.

“Let’s hope not. Miss Williams would be sad.”

“You like Miss Williams, don’t you?” Sean said.

“He wants Miss Williams to suck his wiener!” Mike shouted.

“Don’t talk like that,” I said. “You’ll get in trouble.”

“What’ll happen?” Mike asked.

“They’ll put you on meds that’ll turn you into zombies.”

They screamed with laughter.

“Zombies! Zombies!” they chanted. “Zombies!”

“I wanna be a zombie!” Mike said. “I’m gonna eat your brain!”

“No, I’m gonna eat your brain!” Sean answered. They made zombie faces at each other, showing their teeth and raising their arms. I wanted to quiet them down.

“So I guess you guys will always remember the day the president came to your class and read ‘The Pet Goat,’ huh?”

“You mean ‘The Pet Weiner!’” Mike said.

And they laughed and laughed and laughed as I drove the bus down the road into that late summer afternoon.

The Mother Ship

“Yes, I am in contact with them. They brought us here and they will return for us. It’s true. Thank you all for coming tonight to learn about Human Individual Metamorphosis. And thank you, Miss Carter, for the delicious hors d’oeuvres. Some of us were chatting a few moments ago, and you asked about how they contact me. They send me messages. I receive them directly or I see the signs. They have told me to go to Montana and wait for them. The mothership will land there and take us back. We come from the Level Above Human and we are looking for people who want to return there with us. Please wait for Peep to call you to the table. She will ask: Is the journey right for you? Are you right for the journey? Gloria has a personal matter she wants to ask me about, so I will step aside with her for a few moments. When I return, I will answer any questions you have. Peep can answer your questions, too, during the interviews. Gloria, let’s go down the hall here, there is another conference room we can use.”

“Thank you for taking the time for me, Bo.”

"That’s what I came here to do. We are moving back to the next level. All the signs are here. We want to bring other people with us. We need more people. We need you. Now, what did you want to ask about?”

“They came for me.”

“They did? When?”

“Last year.”

“What happened?”

“There was a bright light outside my window. A loud hum. I was in bed, sleeping. I woke up and I looked out the window. There was a space ship! It was spinning! It was beautiful!”

“Did they communicate with you?”

“I’m not sure. I know they took me into their craft. When I woke up, I had been gone for days. They did their tests on me.”

“Zuciferians. They abduct humans for genetic experiments. They rob healthy human specimens of their bodies to use as a suit of clothes. They walk among us to cloud our knowledge of the Kingdom of Heaven. They are hiding the truth from us.”

“But Bo – ”

“Don’t worry Julia. We will teach you how to be born into the Level Above Human. We are non-mammalian and we are not Zuciferians. You have nothing to fear.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will. We will teach you if you join us.”

“But I came because – ”

“Yes, Gloria?”

“They stole my baby. The space aliens stole my baby. I was pregnant. When I woke up, my baby was gone.”

“Don’t cry, Gloria, don’t cry. We will help you.”

“You believe me?”

“Of course I believe you.”

“No one else believes me. Everyone thinks I’m crazy.”

“The father? The baby’s father didn’t believe you?”

“There was no father.”

“You don’t know who the father was?”

“No! It wasn’t like that!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say – ”

“I know I was pregnant! I was going to have a baby! No one believes me! I know I was! I was so happy. I’d never been so fulfilled. I was going to be a mother! And then the aliens came and stole my baby! Can you get my baby back for me, Bo? Can you help me?”

“Gloria, I – ”

“Please, Bo. Please tell me you’ll take me to them so I can find my baby!”

“Take my hand, Gloria. Look into my eyes. Listen to me: Everything will be possible in the Kingdom of Heaven, Gloria.”

“Will I find my baby? I will go with them if I have to. Did you say they were Zuciferians? Will you find them for me? Please, Bo, please find them. Please find my baby for me. No one else has ever believed me. Please, Bo, please help me.”

“I can help you, Gloria. Stop crying. Will you come with us to Montana and wait for the mother ship?”

“I’ll do anything, Bo, anything.”

“The journey will be long and hard.”

“I can do it. I will do it.”

“So you will come with us?”

“I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone. After they took the baby, no one believed me. They thought I was crazy! But you believe me, Bo! You believe me! Of course I’ll come with you.”

“This is the final fight for Earth’s spoils. We must triumph over the Zuciferians. All that is here is illusion. But we need the means to go make the journey.”

“Means? What do you mean?”

“We will build a house to simulate the space ship environment. It will be dark. We will sit quietly inside, practicing for the voyage. A rehearsal. We will strive to eliminate all human desire. Can you contribute?”




“I don’t know – ”

“Do you have a house? Do you have a car?”

“I rent an apartment. I have a car.”

“Do you have savings?”

“I have savings.”

“It will be a long trip to Montana and we have to prepare. The trip into space will be longer. We have to be ready, Gloria.”

“I will be ready. I will contribute. I will do anything I have to do to find the way to my baby.”

“Good, good. Don’t cry. Here. Let me hold you. Let me take you in my arms. There … there.”

“Oh my goodness! Oh! Bo! Bo!”

“What is it? What’s wrong, Gloria?”

“I just had a vision!”

“What did you see?”

“A saint!”

“Which saint?”

“Santa Margarita!”

“I don’t know that saint.”

“She was floating over us! She was blessing us! I saw everything! It was so clear! We were in a big house! A mansion! We were all wearing black! With running shoes! But we weren’t running! We were lying on beds. And we all had purple scarves covering our faces! What’s wrong, Bo? Your eyes are so wide!”

“My eyes are always wide, Gloria, wide open to the infinite mysteries of the universe. This vision of yours: It was a sign.”

“A sign?”

“A sign that you must come with us.”

“I must?”

“You must. Will you? Will you say yes?”

“I must. I will. Yes. I will say yes. Yes.”

“Good. Let’s go back to the others now. They are waiting. It will be a long road to the mother ship.”

“The mother ship.”

We have to be ready.

“The mother ship. I will be ready for the mother ship.”


Dedicated to Michael F.