Boys in the Van (Prelude to 'In Love With Lana')

Sean and Mike were standing at the curb in front of their elementary school, waiting for me to pull up in the van like I did at three o’clock every day and drive them to the private school where I worked so they could do crafts and music or just play until their parents picked them up and took them home.

It looked like they were grinning as they got in. They might’ve even been suppressing giggles. Something was going on.

They were both seven. Sean had a missing front tooth and he climbed up on the passenger seat in the front. Mike had a blond helmet of hair and sat in the back seat, taking the middle position so he could see us. The two boys were looking at each other as I pulled away.

Sean unbuckled his seat belt and stood up as we pulled out from the residential neighborhood onto the boulevard. He was a little hyperactive, so his moving around like that didn’t surprise me. But I had the feeling they were planning something.

“Hey, bus driver!” Sean said. That’s how the kids got my attention, by shouting “Hey, bus driver.”

“Yeah, Sean?”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah, I have a girlfriend,” I answered.

The boys both started giggling. Sean with his big gap-toothed grin, put his arms around an imaginary girl and started humping her.

“Do you fuck her?” He shrieked with laughter and Mike started laughing, too. They kept laughing and laughing and Sean kept humping the imaginary girl. They looked at each other and they laughed harder.

So that was their plan. To ask me if I fucked my girlfriend. They were having a great time.

“Do you fuck her?” Sean said again. “Do you fuck your girlfriend, bus driver?”

I smiled.

“Yeah, I fuck her.” They started howling. I was driving down Ventura Boulevard, past restaurants and a park and an upscale shopping mall with two seven-year-olds who were cracking up at the thought of me fucking my girlfriend. I waited a little while for them to calm down. Then I asked them:

“You know the best part?”

“What’s that?” Mike asked as his laughter shifted down into giggles.

“Remember – WE’RE NAKED!” I shouted.

They went wild. Sean was screaming and Mike was drooling and pounding the van seats.

“We Get Naked And We FUCK!” I shouted.

They could barely breathe through their hysteria. They were wheezing and convulsing.

I had forgotten what it was like to be seven. But then I remembered. I waited for them to calm down. I turned right onto the boulevard. They were regaining their composure, but one of them would burst out with a blubbering laugh and then the other would follow. When I thought the time was right, I decided to get them going again.

“Wanna hear somethin’ else?” I asked.

“Yeah! What? Tell us! Tell us? What? Tell us!” they demanded. “Tell us!”

“You know what she does sometimes?”

“What? What? Tell us! Tell us!” They were both standing up, waiting for the next part, knowing that it was going to be good.

“Sometimes …”

“What? What? Tell us! What? Tell us!”

“She puts my wiener in her mouth and she sucks on it!”

They practically exploded. Snot was bubbling out of Sean’s nose. Mike’s chest was heaving. He threw himself across the back seat and was kicking the door of the van.

I didn’t wait. I struck:

“And you know what else? You know what sounds she makes when we fuck? She goes: Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Aiiee! AIEEE! YEAH! OH BABY! YEAH! OH! OH! OH!”

Sean fell on his knees and was pounding his head against the seat. Mike doubled over and clutched his stomach. They were both screaming. Sean’s face was turning cherry-red and he was pulling his hair. Mike was wheezing and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

Thing is, I didn’t really have a girlfriend anymore. We had broken up for the last time a few weeks earlier.

But that’s another story.

It isn’t all that funny, though.