Now I'm Gone (II of II)

And now that life I led, it’s done. My heart beat its last beat. My lungs breathed their last breath. My mouth spoke its last word. Now I’ve just got these shards of thoughts that I send to you with these last words as my brain shuts down. Can you hear me? Are you there? Or am I too far now, too far from you, too far for these words to reach you?

I rise, I float, I rise, I float.

What will become of that skin that held this soul?

Ice? To be thawed years from now when they can cure what killed me? I did not choose that. There are folks who do it, though. Some just freeze their heads, so their brains can be brought back to life. Wow. I would not want that. This is the way to do it; to just let go.

Flames? I thought that’s what I’d have done with my skin and bones. But I’m a Jew, and Jews don’t do that. I did not know that ’til last month when I knew I was ill and I checked. So what is left of me will go in the ground. In a box. That is what is done in my faith.

I rise, I float, I rise, I float. What now?

Will there be that light that I have heard of? Not yet, I don’t see it.

I think back.

Are these my last thoughts, as I leave this world?

I was a boy. There were more boys with me, in a room. We played with toys. Cars, boats. Paints – with our hands. And there were girls, too. We sang songs. Then there was school. We will learn to read, they said one day. I was scared that I would not learn. But I learned. It was not that hard. Whew.

I lived in New York. Then we moved, me and mom and dad. To L.A. I had to change the way I did things. Kids made fun of me for the way I talked. And dressed. They wore jeans. I wore dress slacks. I tried to fit in, I changed what I wore, I tried to talk like them. After a time, I fit in. Kind of.

There were boys with me, then, too. We played sports. And then girls. I fell in love for the first time. Jill. Was that her name? I think that was her name. She had short brown hair and wore nice clothes to school. A white blouse. A blue skirt. She did not know I loved her. At least I don’t think so. Where is she? Will I see her? No, that is all gone.

With each thought, each of these last thoughts, I feel each thing fade. Each face, each thing, fades, fades, fades. Then it’s gone.

I grew up. I learned to drive. I fell in love once more, and she did not know, like the first girl, that first time. And then I fell in love one more time. That time, she knew. We went to be and kissed and touched and licked and sucked and fucked. I loved her. I thought she loved me. Did she? For a time, sure. Some time later I knew she did not love me. Then I was sad, so sad I cried. Then I moved on, as they say you do. It’s true, you move on.

I smoked pot with friends. I got a first job, then a new job, then a third job, then a fourth. I worked and I made a few bucks. I smoked more pot. I was still in high school. I played in a band. The band broke up. Then more school, where I took a class, then two, then three and four, and learned how to write news. I smoked more pot.

I float, I rise, I float, I rise.

The things I think of, these last thoughts, they fade and go, then they’re gone.

I left L.A. and lived in the U.K. for a year. I went to France, and Spain and Rome and Greece, too, then back to France. I learned French there and got a job where I wrote news. I stayed a few years and came back to L.A. where I got a job and lived that life I led, the one that’s gone now.

There were good days. There were films, there were books. Good meals, fine wine. I went to the beach. I fell in love and then fell in love again. As I think back on each face, she fades, she fades, then she’s gone. Gone for the last time.

There were bad days, too. We’ve all had those. Then there were real bad days: when I got sick and I knew it was the end.

I rise, I float, I rise, I float.

What now? What next? It is what we all want to know, right? When you breathe your last breath, what then?

Will there be the flames of hell? I don’t think so. A warm glow in the clouds? I don’t know.

Ah, the clouds, the clouds. Big white clouds stretched out on the sky. They hold rain. The rain falls in the cold and it’s snow, it’s ice.

The snow falls, white flakes blow in the wind. The snow lands and stays on the ground in piles and it turns all the streets white. Pure. It makes things look pure.

Flames, too. They kill germs. They make things pure, too. Odd, huh, that flames and ice both make things pure.

Are these my last thoughts, of flames and ice and how they make things pure?

I float, I rise, I float, I rise.

The world fades, not just faces and things, but now the whole world, all things, each thing. Am I gone now? Is this the end? Where is the end? Wait … is that the light I see? Can I feel it? I don’t know. You’d think I would know, right? That light that they say is there, at the end. If you saw it, you would know. At least I think you would.

These last words I think, these last short words – this time, too, I made them short words, words with one sound, one beat, my last fight with words – I leave them now, too. They fade. Now there will be no more words, long or short, one beat or two. No more thoughts, no more words. No more. It’s the end.

I float, I rise, I float, I rise. But now there is no I, no me. And that’s when the light shines.

The last sparks of my brain light up and then fade and I’m gone.

Is it cold here? Is it hot? Flames? Ice? I can’t tell. All that I could feel, heat, warmth, cool, all that is gone.

Will my soul now join all the souls in the light? Will I come back?

We can’t know. We will not know. But we will go. We all go. There’s no way not to go. I wish there were.

I lived and loved. I loved life. I loved the beach. I loved the sky and the clouds. I loved films and books and the sounds of horns and strings and drums. I did not want life to end. I did not want to go. But I went. I had to go. It was my time.

I float, I rise, I float I rise.

Is that the light?

The light is there. Or is it? Is it just a dream, just a thing you see when your brain shuts down?

No, I think it is there. I think I see it.

And so now it’s the end.

And now I’m gone.